I was on a site on Tango the other day, and I was just browsing to see what kind of advice they were giving women these days in regards to getting good men. Well, her advice started off fine, she advocated that women go to places where hardworking men are likely to go, that is a given. They advocated that she look good, and keep herself in shape. That is also a given. They also said that she should 'fit herself' to whatever kind of man she was looking for. Exp. if she was looking for a cultured man, she should know the qualifying norms for quarry she set her sights on. A woman looking for a county boy, might learn square dancing, and the proper attire that cowboys find alluring. So this is once again, a given...
Where we deviated, and I had a real problem was when she decided to tell women that the best way to make an impression on the men they had their eyes on, was to follow the following directions.
She said that they should 1. Be interesting. Now before you ask what wrong with that? I need to point out , this is the ONLY good advice in this column. She told women to engage in conversation that HE was interested in, and try to find subjects of mutual interest. Love that bit, because that is of course, another given. You definitely want subjects of interest to BOTH of you, so you have a conversational point of familiarity, and interest to both of you. Once again, a given... No, that's not the problem...
Here is the problem. This is the rest of her advice to lovelorn women... Now keep in mind these women are in the INITIAL stages of a brand new romance which has NOT turned into an exclusive relationship yet. It is pubescent and very much in the embryo stage. Instead of advising these young women to take it slow, get to know this person, and really get a feel for if this is the right person for them or not. She advocated for women to begin SEXTING virtual strangers and dirty talking him to peak his interest!!! She also advocated for women to begin immediately to find out what sexual positions these (STRANGERS) preferred in bed!! She also advocated that these women then let the man know these are their favorite positions as well, and begin a sexual tease, such as telling him they are not wearing an panties!!! and they want to jump his bones, and give him the orgasm of his life!!!
Please keep in mind, she is telling this to women who don't know these men from Adam, and have barely met just them!!!
Now first I want to add, because you ladies are probably thinking the author was white. And you probably thought that because WW are often taught it's perfectly fine to lead with your sexuality. And yes, many do. However, I honestly think that sets a dangerous precedent regardless of the women's race and culture. First of all, it's DANGEROUS to be sexting total strangers because sexting leads to SEXING!! and sexing strangers is not only stupid, but very damaging to your overall psyche and can be quite dangerous to your health! Ladies, even if you consider yourself the most sexually liberated woman in town, HONEY this AIN'T the time to be sexing strangers! Too many things out there that can irrevocably do you harm. Now I'm aware that I'm on the old fashioned side, and different strokes for different folks and all that, but I would strongly urge you ladies to not take advice that puts your health and very life in danger. THe author above is a total idiot! I'm sorry, but to tell women to sext total strangers, and talk about sex with stangers, and a she even advocated sending nudes and sexy selfies to men as a way to be remembered!!! Oh you'll be remembered alright, as the desperate girl who threw herself at him! Right now, I want to show you ladies some really good tips that'll work a WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN THE GARBAGE ABOVE!! Forget sexting strangers, and telling total strangers that you want to make them orgasm! Can you think of many things that might sound more desperate and pathetic than that?? The only thing that can result from listening to the fool above, is you'll find yourself used as a sexual toilet, while he searches for someone more worth his while.... Let's move on to something much more classy, yet, far more effective in terms of catching the eye of a worthy guy....
First of all please know that Men indeed will categorize women in segmented files in his mind...
Make no mistake about it, Men CATEGORIZE women. The categories are as follows:
1. Acquaintance /social companion
2. Friend / close associate
3. Good time girl/ thot
4. Girlfriend / Girlfriend material
5. Wife/ Wifey Material
It's important to remember that Wifeys are almost NEVER pulled from cat. 3! She can be pulled from any other category but almost never category 3! So just keep that in mind, because men NEVER tell this to women, It's like a old boys club secret. Now this is not about slut shaming, I just want you guys to be aware, because MOST women are looking to get married at some point in life..
Now what the author of the above drivel was attempting to do, was teach women to be MEMORABLE. And it's true that that is a great thing to be. Men often fall in love with memorable women, that's true. But over the top sexuality is not the kind of memory you want to give him.
There are MUCH BETTER Ways to make him remember you, and think about you almost constantly. Let's go over some much better ways..
Be Attractive, be alluring, be appealing, be fun, be mesmerizing, be different, be confident..
Attractive just means to look as good as you can because it will show through whether you think you are attractive or not. Attractive ppl are confident, sexy ppl because they have taken care of themselves and are not worried about bad teeth showing, or a spare tire around the waist popping out because they've made sure the package looks good. When the package looks good, you will Feel good, and you will have tons more sex appeal than a woman who is constantly worried about her crooked teeth showing or a big overhanging belly!
You have to understand that it's all a continuous loop. The attractive woman is clear, confident and sexy BECAUSE she knows she looks good and does not waste energy on worrying about the package. This leaves her to put on her best face and be fun, flirty , and easy to be around. This leads the man to think she's far more alluring, fun, carefree, and appealing! This is why it starts with being attractive and more so for YOU than HIM, now you understand why
2. BE DIFFERENT! (distinctly YOU)
Different means being yourself and the qualities that make you, you. I will tell you a secret. MOST MEN are looking for a woman who can let her hair down and be free and encourage him to claim his freedom as well! What does that mean? Well it means, he's looking for that person who makes him feel alive. Especially if he is the typical white collar guy who has to adhere to corporate rules day after day. He's probably dying for some crazy girl to sweep him off his overshined shoes. Most women don't understand that inside of every man is a little boy dying to get out, and play. If you can coax him out and bring fun and spontaneity to an otherwise very conservative guy, you will win his heart almost every time.. Reason for this, is because most women mistake the need for adventure and play as a need for plenty of sex. So they begin to sex the man hoping to make his fall in love, and that's like trying to start a fire with a wet match! It won't work.. His need for spontaneity, and adventure are not mutually exclusive with his need for sex. Don't confuse the two..
It might be easier to give an example. I remember reading a mag a few years back, and a wife knew her hubby was cheating on her and could not understand why. She was giving him everything she thought a good wife should. She kept giving him more sex, time, attention etc. But he kept disappearing and coming in later and later, and she KNEW he was with the other woman. So finally, at the end of her rope, she decides to confront the other woman. She goes to the workplace and brings a big box of dough nuts, and drinks to his coworkers. Then she subtly lets them know that she feels her hubby is cheating but has no idea who it is. They immediately point out the woman. Amy S. She goes and asks to speak to the Amy. Not in a threatening way, but more like a sister to sister empathetic way. She knew she could pull this off, because Amy obviously felt guilt about sleeping with a married man. When she sits Amy down and then begins to cry (using empathy) and tells Amy that she does not want to lose her husband and that they have 3 children. She begs Amy to tell her what her secret is. Amy, feeling obvious guilt promises to never 'see' dim again and tells her: ' There is no secret, he just loves it when I quack like a duck!" "Come again? " the wife asks. incredulous. "well" says Amy. "He loves it when I scrunch up my face like this, and quack." She scrunched her face up to a wrinkled ball, and began to make duck sounds. The wife was flabbergasted. "But...but ok it's funny but what's so great about your duck quack? Amy looks at her patiently. "It's not about the duck quack," she says slowly. "It's about the silliness, and the relief from his everyday burdens!" And therein lies the secret of the playful attitude that most men are looking for. And the MORE responsibilities he has, the more he's probably looking for that playful woman! This is a HUGE SECRET LADIES THAT MOST WOMEN DON'T REALIZE AT ALL!
3. BE OUTGOING
There is something very attractive about outgoing people. Let's face it ladies, outgoing ppl are just more exciting. They are out living life, and not hiding in the shadows. They seem to embrace that Joie de Vive! They seem effervescent and more energetic. Energy is excitement Energy is life. This is why outgoing people are always far more sought out then their more sedate counterparts Now, of course, we all cannot be the life of the party, but everyone can DECIDE to be more outgoing...
4. BE CONFIDENT!
The sexiest coolest ppl are ALWAYS the most confident. When you believe in yourself and know that you are worthy of whatever you want to achieve or have in this world, that confidence will radiate out from you and attract others like a beacon! There is nothing sexier than a person who is going places and is simply secure in his/her own skin. Nothing takes the place of confidence. Absolutely nothing. The best way to be confident is to pursue a goal that means a lot to you and replay it in your mind, reminding yourself of how you were strong enough to do whatever it was. Constantly tell yourself ' I MAY NOT BE BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE- BUT I'M ALWAYS JUST AS DAMN GOOD!!!
Say it until you believe it, Also reframe your failures, into learning experiences This way instead holding you back, they propel you forward. I'll give you an example...
Years ago when I lived in Texas, I had a client (I was a nurse's aide) and I was at her home and she was crying to her best friend about how her husband had left her for another woman. She was sobbing uncontrollably and her friend let her cry for a few minutes. The woman (we'll call her Mary, and her friend Kim) Mary lifted her head and looked pitifully at Kim and said:
" Well, he didn't want me anymore, and he sure got rid of me!" Then she lowered her head and sobbed some more. Kim very gently lifted her friends face, looked her in the eyes and said; "Honey- He didn't get rid of you! God got rid of him because he knew you deserved better!!!"
When she said that, Mary's whole demeanor changed. She pulled herself up, dried her tears and asked tentatively " You think so?" Kim reassured her that that was the case and that God had told her specifically that Mary deserved better, and he was going to send her cheating lying husband packing. Now, I don't know if God told that to Kim, but I do know that I saw Mary dry her tears and smile for the first time that week! Those words from Kim made a total difference in her world, and all Kim had done was REFRAME THE SITUATION!
You can do this too. Learning to do this will make your life 1000% better. If you didn't get the job, maybe you need more training so you can fit the position, or maybe it's that there's a better job waiting for you. Never tell yourself " I didn't get that job because I'm a loser!" Because, said enough, you will create the perfect storm in your life, to become a loser! Be very very careful of what you say to yourself, remember that YOU are always listening!... The best way to be confident is to be your own best friend and talk yourself through the rough spots in life...
5. BE KIND/BUT ASSERTIVE
I have many women in my family, who are very very outspoken and headstrong. This seems to be a proclivity black women have in droves. Although I admit some of these mean women, are my WHITE aunts so I guess it's not restricted to color at all. But Sometimes, I cringe at how some of them will snap on ppl at the slightest provocation. But I notice one person in my family I always admire because she has such great personality. She's very kind and compassionate, but don't ever make the mistake of taking her kindness for weakness, because she will turn on a dime and let you know about yourself. Yet, she is genuine and speaks her mind. She does not beat around the bush or talk about ppl behind their backs. She will simply let you know how she feels and if she thinks she have done something deliberate or accidentally to offend her. I notice ppl always gravitate to her. They absolutely seem drawn to her honest, sweet/kind, yet assertive nature. Ladies, this is something worth striving for because most ppl will veer to far into one lane or the other. A person who can speak their mind without getting 'ignorant' is rare indeed these days. When you can dismantle your opponent without resorting to profane language or violence, it is an amazing skill, and one that will draw ppl like a magnet to you!
So bottom line, learn to be a kind and genuine person, but NEVER let ppl walk all over you....
6. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Really do this! Ladies now a day there are gyms that cost about 15.00 a month!!! There is NO excuse not to have a membership! (unless you have a home gym) But at that amazing price why not have both? I do. and sometimes I feel like exercising with others ( I'll go to the reg gym) and sometimes I don't (I'll exercise at my house) But make it easy for yourself to get into good habits. If you get off at 4 and you know you need to exercise, see if you can hit the gym BEFORE you go home. The chances of you going back after you are home and resting after a long hard day are pretty SLIM! But really get some exercise, it's great not only for the heart, muscles, skin, system, libido, confidence, youth, vigor, health, longevity, sex appeal, stress relief, and too many other benefits to count, but it calm and invigorate you. The benefits are simply too numerous to name, but ladies, just do it, cuz it will improve your life in so many many ways!!
Taking care of yourself also means taking hygiene seriously. Take a shower daily and WASH YOUR HAIR AND BEHIND YOUR EARS REGULARLY!! My cousin owns a hair shop and she constantly complains about how many women don't wash behind their stinking ears and leave their weaves in until they practically become embedded in their scalps!!! Every shower (which should mean every day!!) should find you cleaning your ears as well as your body. With hair, ladies wash it at least 2x a week. You don't have to use shampoo because I know shampoo can be drying with black hair, but you can Co wash with conditioner, and only shampoo once per month as long as you are co washing bi weekly. I personally love Loreal conditioners, but I've heard great things about Keratin, and Omega.. But we'll talk about that another time, just keep your hair, body, nails clean...
Now the last thing I'll say about taking care of yourself, is that you pamper yourself at least once a week. This goes back to letting YOU KNOW that YOU ARE WORTH IT! Many women will buy their children the best and completely neglect themselves. No. You must treat yourself like you are something special if you want others to do the same! Arrange to go get your feet done, or manicure or whatever makes you feel special and pampered and happy. Life is just too short not to enjoy it. So really pamper yourself with whatever you enjoy and it will make you feel like a million bucks...
7. BE STYLISH
When you look good, you feel good, you don't have to have a great big budget either. There are too many stores where you can find lower cost but still stylish attractive clothing. Now I in all honesty would tell you ladies to NOT shop at thift stores for your clothing. I know you can find great bargains there, but the problem is a lot of times when women put on a thrift store item, they FEEL SECONDHAND!! Now if it honestly does not bother you, then cool. It's ok for you. But if you feel like cringing or would burst into tears if someone knew where you bought the item, then don't do it! Clothing should make you feel however you WANT to feel, comfortable, slender, exotic, sexy, wholesome etc. But if you want to feel sexy and expensive and you shop at Good Will, you probably will end up feeling cheap and secondhand. So that's a personal choice but just be aware of how some stores may make you FEEL, because in the end what you feel, will be projected outward... Note: that if you wear a tight top try to pear it with a loose bottom. Or if you wear a tight bottoms try to pear with a loose top. You don't want both tight, it tends to look tawdry.. Learn to accentuate ONE body part ONLY! This is a little sexy secret for those who didn't know...
8. BE POSITIVE!
Positive people are much more alluring and exciting than morose, depressed and despondent people. Duh, positiveness tends to radiate outward and draw ppl like a beacon. It's attracting.
Learn to focus on the bright side and let it shine through your soul. Life is just too short to be sad, sluggish and unhappy. And if you do the great tips I'v given you above, you'll find your life is 100% better and you'll have tons of reasons to smile big! Know that men are attracted to a beautiful smile like crazy. Also know that if you take care of yourself and exercise and dress stylishly, that most ppl will find you very attractive regardless of your actual physical looks! This is also another little sexy secret! PLAIN WOMEN CAN BE MADE BEAUTIFUL BY CLEANLINESS, ATTIRE, CONFIDENCE AND A PRETTY SMILE! You see Hollywood do this all the time! Look at Reese Witherspoon!, Jennifer Gardner, Sarah Jessica Parker!...
But attitude prevails and can turn a ugly duckling into a swan with the right accompaniments...
Get your teeth together and SMILE. If you feel your teeth are not white enough-do this take a capful of coconut or sesame oil and put it in your mouth daily and swish it. This will kill germs and whiten teeth (slowly-over weeks) but it does work, and it's NATURAL, AND HEALTHY Like I've said time and again, try to avoid OTC products as much as possible and go natural as much as you possibly can....
9 HAVE A GOAL AND WORK TOWARD IT DAILY!!!
Nothing is sexier and more exhilarating than working toward a goal1 And nothing draws ppl like a determined, go getter who is moving and shaking and making things happen!!
A lot of ppl do not realize how attractive go getter energy is! Do something spectacular (for you) and watch how men who have never given you the time of day become attracted to you!
Write a book, make a play, Do public speaking, start a company, Just become the leader and initiator of SOMETHING! Take charge and watch your sex appeal sky rocket! And not only that, your self esteem, and self worth and self image will also sky rocket!! You will see YOURSELF differently and you'll never be the same. Trust me on this and just do it. You will be shocked at how much it will improve your life. Will there be haters? OF COURSE! But you will have haters in life regardless.. So learn to go for it and immediately you will see a vast life improvement...
10. BE THE "TOTAL PACKAGE" = A MESMERIZING WOMAN!
Being mesmerizing is a lot harder than being any of the individual parts. A mesmerizing woman is the total package, and often embodies all the qualities and characteristics a man is looking for. It often does not matter whether she is pretty or plain because HE will think she is gorgeous regardless' I have a perfect example of the mesmerizing woman, and her captivating ways.
The example is Diana Ross! She's beautiful, fun, flirty, alluring, appealing, magnetic, a go getter, positive and charming. This is how she was able to wrap Michael Jackson around her little finger. He was helpless around her. He was so deeply in love with her that he chased her for over 2 decades and literally begged her to marry him! He bought her everything her heart desired, and wrote tons of songs, poems, and love notes to her. He followed her like a puppy, and divorced wives to get to her! He was hopelessly smitten with her. Why? Because she embodied Everything he was looking for in a woman, and then some.
And do you know what MJ said about her? He said quote: "Diana Ross is more than beautiful, It's much more than her physical beauty, She's got Je ne se quoi- And it's deadly!!
So we'll go more in depth with this a bit later, this post is getting a tad too long, but I wanted to give you all a rough idea of what I meant by mesmerizing.
So thank yall for coming out, see you next post....